: Humour

Turd is the Word

II had a relationship with a guy when I was 17 that was more comfortable rather than passionate... more like 2 best mates that also had sex, a lot. We would try different things and often discuss it afterwards; what we could differently or try in the next round.


He had exceptionally bony hips, and it got to the point where my inner thighs were so bruised from sex that it hurt to walk. The suggestion of having more missionary sex at that point made me cringe at the sheer thought of pounding against those aching wounds. We switched to doggie-style for the next few days and then the inevitable question was proposed.


“Wanna try...you know...up the arse?”


“Well, OK, but we’re going to have to use lots of lube, and go REALLY slow and be gentle!”


I should also add that his older brother’s nickname was ‘Horse’ and that similar genetic features were strong in his family, which didn’t appease my fears with what was about to happen. We got the lubricant out and even though he was very gentle, after about 3 thrusts in about 5 seconds, THAT WAS ENOUGH!




So, take the sensation of the most painful shit you’ve ever had, and then double it. I had gathered a lot of people enjoy that feeling, but it wasn’t for me. Don't get me wrong - I do enjoy a good shit, but that's because it's coming OUT of me in an entirely non-sexually euphoric kind-of-way. Apparently, there is a G-spot somewhere up there too. Umm, yeah. I will gladly be leaving mine up there, alone and undiscovered.


Also? My boyfriend was uncircumcised.


As he was cleaning the lubricant off himself, he discovered a tiny chunk of turd under his foreskin. He jumped up like he was on fucking fire and proceeded to run around the house naked whilst squealing like a terrified little girl - very loudly. I was mortified, since it was, in fact, my turd, but I surprisingly dealt with it by laughing hysterically at the utter spectacle that he was making of himself. In hindsight, I don’t see why he was so shocked, considering where his dick had just been.


If you go digging in certain holes, you’re bound to find some dirt.




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